An adventure I've never had

Walking through the wilderness of a new chapter

clothes ripping from the thorns of uncut bushes

a rough season to start a hike

hot, wet, floods of natures judgment

I'm at her feet, at her mercy, she calls the shots

I look up and ask for his compass

"Please guide me through her coarse body"

Will I make it past this test?

Will I get to that clearing?

It won't last long

all's clear until her unkind embrace takes me again

I won't quit though

I welcome every snag I get from every thorn

I'm a fighter

A warrior

She won't break me

I'm fire

A raging inferno of faith

I will make it

Burning through her dense forest of thorns

I WILL MAKE IT...

Picture Source: http://blacklordgod.wordpress.com/2012/02/05/green-minds-thinks-alike-green-hearts-work-together/

in a cage

suffocating with thoughts of failure

pretending I'm free but it doesn't work

Where can my mind go in a six-by-six cell

Torturous are the sounds

Lost souls screaming in horror

The end is already hear

Walking zombies

The living lifeless with blind sight

Roaming in an abyss of nowhere

Fuck you! -- is all I can think of tellin' you

I'm in hell on a filthy planet -- why give a shit about you?

Unfair is normal and is accepted

It doesn't get any better

The successful are happy because of the people they stepped over

kicking dust up so the pawns can see their royalty

Love might be what keeps me hard

But hate is what makes me cum

In your eyes, ears and mouth I spit it

You gag, puke and now understand it

Ugly is why I was born 

a reminder of what we strive NOT to be

"FUCK IT!" I say, FUCK ALL OF YA -- I'll be fine without you

My comfort zone is sitting on my ass watching life go by --

and I'll die while life keeps going on...

Picture Source: http://www.northlandchurch.net/ministry/jail_and_prison_transition/

If you have been forced to make a decision that was unfairly dropped into your lap as a child, I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about when I say there are certain decisions one shouldn't make when he/she is between the ages of 2 and 5.

When I was only a toddler my life was just beginning, but, at that time my dad and mom's marriage was coming to an end. It got to the point where All I heard after I was carried to bed, but couldn't sleep, was yelling. I remember getting out of bed once and my dad and mom were on opposite sides of the kitchen as if a bell was going to ring;

"stay tuned ladies and gentlemen a boxing match between a mother and father will follow after the loud verbal dispute from their corners!"

  When my mom saw me at the doorway my dad/mom would bring me back to my bed.

   It was bad enough that I was scared to death every time I laid in my toddler sized bed, it was that haunting trees branch going up and down outside my window. The Branch moved in a way that paralyzed me with fear, a shadow that looked like it was going to jump from the ceiling and clobber me. At least that's how I remember feeling at the time: the shadow of the branch with loud yelling between two people you depend on, rely on, need, love, want attention from, and not just see one of them daily, but, both of them together on a daily basis. I needed my mom and dad and was scared of their behavior because I didn't understand.

It finally happened, in broad daylight this time, my dad and mom had a huge argument and that was it for my dad. At the house in Wellesley, Ma there were three steps leading up to the first floor from the the front door. My mom was at the top of the stairs and my dad was at the bottom of the stairs with me standing in front of him, my dad bent at the knees to get to my level, looked at me, and asked; "Carsten, do you want to stay here with your mother or do you want to come with me?" I looked at my mom and she was crying uncontrollably, I didn't understand why she was crying and acting the way she was; then I looked at my father, I saw he was calm, and after about a minute I quietly said "I want to go with you." My mom of course got even more upset and stormed off. I for the life of me didn't know what was going on, I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT MY MOM!

After that day I remember visiting her in some community counseling place, I don't even know, it might have been a hospital of some sort. I can't help but to think she went temporarily insane from the heart break of my decision, which was added onto the hurt feelings of knowing there was inevitable divorce on the way. The divorce process and the way both parties acted was horrific.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT PARENTS GIVING YOUNG TODDLERS DECISIONS LIKE THESE?

   I was on the train, on the way back from my appointment yesterday, and when we got to the Granville stop the trains P.A system beeped. We, the passengers were informed via recording that the train has stopped because of faulty equipment. Damn, an inconvenience so close to home. Anyway, the other passengers and I were waiting and I looked out the trains window and saw that there was a crowd forming out on the platform, not far from the car I was in. I decided to go see what was going on and when I went outside, I saw him lying there. 

   I approached this man that was lying on the ground and at first I didn't know what was going on -- did he faint, did he trip and fall, what happened? I knew it was something more than fainting that was making him snore. It didn't take me long to notice that he had a knock on his forehead, blood on his ear, and when I looked up I saw one of his shoes about fifteen to twenty feet away. That's when I knew that him and the train made contact with one another. This injured person woke up not much longer and when he did he was completely disoriented; the onlookers and myself stressed that he shouldn't move, but, he didn't listen. He wound up standing up and that's where we all saw the thick amount of blood in the back of his head. His hair was drenched with pure red and I knew it was deep because the blood was not only thick, but, on the ground where he lay too. After he stood up all of us were trying to get the man to sit back down on the platform but instead he walked into the train and sat in a seat, ready to go to his destination (did he even know where he was going though?). A couple of us walked into the train and spoke with him, we told him he has to go to the hospital, He declined, I told him again that he had to go, he was injured badly, and his head was bleeding. He felt the back of his head and that's when he discovered the blood for himself. He got up, leaving blood against the wall of the train, and we then convinced him to sit on the platforms bench -- at this time the EMT's arrived and he was in good hands. We were able to relax now, our babysitting jobs were over.

    At one point I overheard a woman tell one of the C.T.A (Chicago Transit Authority) security guards that she witnessed him hit the train with force. With the way she was explaining this accident, it looked even more so that it could have been on purpose. She said that it kind of looked like he ran into the train. And to tell you the truth, given the way American society is going and the attitude changes many Americans are having -- discouragement, anger, disappointment, angst, stress, and desperation (due to the fact that things are getting tough, economically and socially) -- I am not surprised. I myself am getting help with my mental problems but not everyone has the luxury of good insurance -- sometimes there is no helping people though, I know this, I'm not dismissing the power of what not seeing tomorrow can have on people. Damn, I'm so glad I was able to snap out of that particular funk, that is a terrible place to be. 

     Seeing sad and crazy things such as what I saw at the Granville stop are horrible experiences to have, but they happen, and that's life. It's my belief that it's best for the well-being of us as individuals to not take those negative experiences to heart, as best as we can. Instead, say a prayer or be of some service to that sad soul, or souls, if that man did jump into that train on purpose then maybe that's all he wanted. It's hard to be alone, it's even harder to be lonely with no one there to give you company. 

      I don't know exactly why it's me that winds up seeing, or witnessing such intense sights but, I can only assume that it's because I'm meant to be one of those people that helps to reinstate the feeling of importance to the folks that have lost their value for themselves. 

 Let's be there for each other...

Picture Sources:

http://thatswhatgerrysaid.tumblr.com/post/19740223893

http://societyforhumanisticpsychology.blogspot.com/2011/05/positive-effects-of-depression.htm     

Mate: 

A night of bliss

orgasms of delight

stress is now something I can dismiss

pulsating release brings it out

walking on clouds

love is what it's all about

there are not enough times like these

moments so rare

they don't grow on trees...

It isn't fair

tis life

full of strife

making love is a luxury

when it happens I give all of me

Thank god for my mind

it flies like a dove

soars up above

collects whatever beauty it can find...

Love, I need a sign

I've waited a long time

Send me an angel that's all mine

one with supple breasts, Curvaceous body,

and hair that's long and fine

I need a mate that needs me back

permanent love, like writing carved into a plaque...

 Picture Source: http://www.insidesocal.com/tomhoffarth/kissing.jpg

     Once upon a time in Rajasthan, there was a short short story of love and tragedy...

    I've been guarding these doors for over fifteen years: when my parents, peasants yet I loved them, were murdered by mere thieves, I was orphaned, roamed the land, and was starving -- stealing fruit and vegetables when I could. One day a soldier found me trying to steal an apple; he smacked me down with the back of his hand and I, much to his surprise, stood up immediately, grabbed the stick next to me and broke it off his knees. He fell to the ground and then I struck him again over his head with the same shortened stick I hit him over his knees with. that didn't keep the soldier from getting up, taking the stick from me, then picking me up, slamming me to the ground, binding my hands together, and arresting me. The next thing I knew I was standing before the courts and was told that, since I liked to fight I was to be raised in a training camp and made into a soldier, for the rest of my life. Condemned to serving my country with a palace issued sword, my fists, legs, and feet. I've fought in the war against the Arabs to help preserve my country and it's rich, beautiful, and fertile lands. I am Hindu and very proud to be so, but, I don't hold all Arabs in contempt for their efforts in claiming the rich land of my past and present emperor's and forefathers. I've cut down invaders that have tried to penetrate the doors leading to the fruit of Rajasthan, the core of my beloved countries power and strength, my new emperor,  Nagabhata I. Despite the brief history I just gave you, however, this story isn't about my battles, it's not about the emperor, and it's not about riches -- it's about a woman. 

    Pria, lovely Pria, she is one of the emperors daughters and we have had a love affair for over a year. If the emperor ever found out about my relationship with her I would be either exiled or put to death; this depended on the mood Nagabhata was in that day. Pria has long black hair, brown eyes, tan and shiny complexion, her body could put a cobra into submission when she walked, her skin was soft, smooth, and she smelled like lavender. We would sneak to the river and make love for what seemed like an eternity; our bodies would melt together with passion, the way she sounded, breathed, and looked when she climaxed put me in sync -- shooting everything into her smooth and wet contracting tunnel of passion. Today my reason for guarding these doors are for the protection of my one and only true love. Pria is going to be my wife one day, we will both leave this land and move to a more exclusive part of the country. We will move to a place where the sun beats down on the lakes water, making it sparkle with life, where the sound of the wind through the leaves catches our attention, and the winds caressing touch accompanies our naked bodies as we enjoy each other -- over and over again.

    How will we sneak away with no one noticing? Only time will show us an escape route, there are cracks in every wall and where there are cracks there is hope for us.

  "WAIT! what was that??"

  I heard a scream, a familiar voice and a loud thud. I ran around to the side of the palace and my hearing deceived me, it wasn't Pria I heard, it was her sister. She landed on her back looking straight up. I looked up and saw a masked face quickly move back inside. At this time all the guards gathered around Pria's sister Ranjia, and I instructed them to follow me as I ran with the hopes that I could catch up to the murder suspect. 

 "Come! I saw someone duck back in the window from where Ranjia fell from!"

   We ran to the stairs and all the way up to the third floor of the palace. I stopped and looked around, a fast shadow ran past one of the doorways to a guest room. I raised my hand as to tell the other guards to keep quiet and we all tip-toed quietly to the room. When we got there I looked in carefully and saw a body hanging from a rafter. What in Shiva's name is going on? I walked into the room and all the other guards followed me; we all walked over to the body that was swaying back and forth from this rafter and unmasked this person. 

   It was her!!! It was Pria, but, why? What is going on?! I couldn't react or show any feelings, I couldn't grieve. I was destroyed! -- and to make it worse, I was the first on the scene of this murder suicide, so I was the one that had to report it to the emperor and clean up the mess. I was able to choose another guard to assist me in this painful chore, I chose my best friend Raj and he was glad to help.

   The day was over and I was relieved: I went back to my quarters and got ready for bed -- maybe this was a bad dream and all I have to do is wake up again for this disaster to disappear. I pulled down my blanket off the cot and saw a note for me. I opened it up and it read:

      Dear Ravi,

   I love you dearly so it pains me that I have to leave you like this, my sister has discovered us, she saw us making love at the river, and had threatened to tell father. I could not allow this to happen, you are too dear to me and I need you to live. I must kill my sister before she tells our father which will surely be your demise, then I must kill myself because I cannot live with the fact that I have killed my only sister. I love you Ravi, I will always be with you, stay alive and keep my father safe.

 Your friend and lover,

Pria

  I wiped the tear from my left eye, went over to the candle, and burned the letter. 

  Today I still stand at these doors protecting my emperor from harms way, I don't know if I will ever fall in love again, I don't know if I can -- only time will tell. I've won and helped to win many battles in my life but, I have never conquered true love -- that is one battle that can never be defeated, it's either meant to be or it isn't, and time is the judge.

                                                                                  The End

Source of prompt #1 exercise: @Lilmishas_ghost, http://lilmishas-ghost.xanga.com/765981700/prompt-1-entries/

Sources that helped me with some history: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Rajasthan

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nagabhata_I

  So if I was to try and explain how I feel today -- I would say that I feel just fine. I'm still me, I feel better, but I still have my off-days. I'm at the point in my life where I see the grass is greener on the other side, yep, that again. I went to Martha's Vineyard and spent time with my family at the summer house on Chappaquiddick for a few days. I ate well, lived the good life, everything was tranquil and serene, I was content, and I wanted to stay longer but, I couldn't. I see how my mom and dad live: nice condos, houses, cars, the good life, doing what they want to do a hundred percent of the time (so it seems), and I have yet to see my house with a white picket fence. I want some fuckin' grass too! Hahaha, I mean, it would be nice, not there yet I guess. I see my brother, his wife, successful business, beautiful daughter, he's doing what he wants to do, about to buy a house, and very happy. I wanna fuckin' smile while holding a wife too!  Hahaha, I mean, it would be nice, not there yet I guess.

   I've been thinking about what will happen with my book -- WILL I MAKE IT AS A WRITER? WILL I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY? WILL ALL MY WORK HAVE BEEN PROFITABLE AS WELL AS WORTH IT?! I don't know, I'm still in the process with copyrighting it, after that, I'll get my ISBN number -- WILL I MAKE IT AS A WRITER? WILL I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY? WILL MY WORK HAVE BEEN PROFITABLE AS WELL AS WORTH IT?! Only time will tell I guess.

    I'm back in the union training center finishing up classes so I can upgrade my status at work. I was falling asleep, fuck, electricity is boring when you're reading about it, trying to answer quiz questions, and trying to skim through the book to find all the answers. I was nodding off like an active heroin user. What the fuck? I was so discouraged that I questioned myself on whether or not I should quit or stick it out. I'll stick it out but I don't think I'm going to enjoy it. 

    I feel fine though, really I do, I guess I'm just antsy. Whatever, things will work out, I know they will. But, by chance if they don't work out, at least I have my meds to keep me from being a harm to others as well as myself... Hahahahaha, I jest, ha! by golly-gee-gosh, I JESTAHOHOHAAA!

Picture Source: http://ecocatlady.blogspot.com/2011/12/christmas-crazy-flower-is-blooming.html

"HEY YOU! stay off my grass -- I'll tearr you aparrt, I'll shreaad you to pieces, I'll Rawrf you up, I'll eat youu, I'll kill youu, I'll go poopies on your face... THAT IS ALL!"

 Lightning bugs dance in the moons light

Ideas flicker with sparks from a synapse

The night brings such insight...

Wolves howl with the need to be heard

Written messages document camaraderie

The night brings brilliant music...

Crickets sing the restless to sleep

A naked dip in the lake is always refreshing

Cleansing the spirit does the soul right...

A reflection shows true self

A porcupine can be a prick

A mind is useless if you don't use it...

What is the point that's made

Some birds crash to the ground when they copulate

Live free or fade