Since July, I've read almost nine books (not including the books I published or text books from classes), and I've published two. It's been an interesting few months. Will it all pay off?--only time will tell. I figure if I keep reading, writing, and working to find ways to better my financial situation, I will find a way to success. Happiness will come when I finally establish a network of friends, offline, and find a life outside the four walls where I eat, sleep, and shit. Poetry readings, writing clubs, people who are found in these said places -- men and WOMEN. Women have always been the apple of my eye but my weakness when it comes to approaching, dating, and sealing the deal with them. In a nutshell, to be blunt, I have and have never had "game". I don't believe in "game", I don't play fuckin' games when it comes to the heart -- even sex -- to me game is juvenile. But, I'm starting to realize that even though I believe it's bull, I need to have some, I need to have some because when it comes to finding, "The one", there's a lot of competition out there. "There's one out there for you Carsten", I believe that, but, being out of the game by not showing up to it has caused and causing me to lose my chances in finding her.
Am I scared? Yes. I'm scared because it's a big world, I've been to hell and back in this life of mine and I don't want to get lost, again. Lost in complications, lost in the elements, a broken heart -- dreams shattered, visions blinded, spirit laid out on the floor -- I want to do everything right. I don't want to make anymore mistakes, I don't want to fail, I know that no's and failure is a part of success in a career, writing, women, and in many other facets of life, but, DAMN! IT SUCKS! Scared of HER saying no, I hate no's, I take them personally -- BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! I could go on and on.
No, I'm not a pussy, I'm a man, I'm bringing all these feelings out so I can get rid of them. So I can look these feelings over, up, and down, so I can look at what I've just said in writing at a later date, and compare them to the new feelings I have when I become a success, when I'm happy, and when I have that beautiful better half in my life. It will take action. I will have to make the initiative to go get what I want, and if I don't get it right away, I'll learn something while in the process of acquiring what I'm seeking. I've already made some connections, I have people in my corner, I see a professional, I'm checking out opportunities people I've met informed me of, and I have opened my naturally social mouth to people in efforts to ignite friendships. Or at least making myself attractive to others that are looking for the same things I am. There really isn't anything stopping me, holding me back, there's nothing that should hinder my prosperity in all the things mentioned in this documented assortment of feelings -- I spewed for all to read and relate to.
So I go forward now and keep up the great fight, I wake up to a new day and welcome challenge, and I strip myself of the broken armor I once wore, replacing it with newer and stronger armor, and I am now ready for whatever challenges, obstacles, and struggles life wants to strike me with.
It's time to live...
Picture Source: http://www.maurilioamorim.com/2011/07/judging-the-struggle/
My books: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_seeall_1?rh=k%3Acarsten+aretz%2Ci%3Adigital-text&keywords=carsten+aretz&ie=UTF8&qid=1352515818
